SATs Week – The Singles’ Assessment Test

SATs.  Yep, it’s that time of year when Standard Assessment Tests are striking fear into the hearts of children and teachers up and down the country.

It’s a long time since I sat an exam although I have faced a lot of tests lately, mostly in the form of first dates.  Yes, first dates are tests; and, like SATs, they are tests that nobody wants to fail.

It seems an appropriate time to assess my progress, so, here it is: Matthew has taken his dating SATs – the Singles’ Assessment Test – and the results are in.

With nervous apprehension it’s time to take a look…

Overall Result:

Fail – well, he’s still single isn’t he?


Matthew has trouble with reading signals.  He tries, bless him, but he needs to realise that sometimes when a woman plays with her hair it means that her hair is annoying her, not that she fancies him.

And when she sends him lots of messages and asks to meet up with him it is more likely to mean a) that he is a lovely guy, and she really likes him, BUT…. than b) she fancies him.


Matthew struggles with addition and has demonstrated an inability to calculate how many first dates he has had in the last 10 months (to the best of my calculations it is 15).  He fares better when it comes to calculating how many second dates he has had, although being able to count to four is nothing to boast about.

He did show encouraging progress in being able to calculate this ‘success’ rate as a percentage (27%) but this progress was somewhat soured when he buried his head in his hands and sobbed loudly upon arriving at the correct answer.


Matthew does show some promise with writing.  His dating profile contains no spelling mistakes and shows an ability to correctly place apostrophes.  Whilst these are clearly important skills for the would-be-dater, they can struggle to stand out amongst a crowd of profiles that have a greater visual impact; for example, a photograph of a young stud posing next to a pimped up Citroen Saxo with his shirt off.

Some progress does seem to have been made with this ‘blogging’ business despite my best efforts to discourage him.  It would appear that revealing himself to be divorced, dumped and depressed may not have totally killed off his chances, although to be fair when a woman has a choice between that and somebody that sends messages containing ‘ov’ and wiv’, the former would clearly appear to be the safer bet for future happiness.

Hello Ladies

Attitude & Application:

Despite his lack of attainment Matthew cannot be faulted for effort; it would not be an exaggeration to say that he has approached his work with commendable zeal.  If I were to be less charitable I could say ‘desperation’ but in today’s molly-coddling age I have to ‘find a positive’.  The boy’s got zeal.

Practical Skills:

Matthew assures me that he has advanced practical and technical skills ‘away from the classroom’.  Unfortunately practical opportunities have been few and far between and I cannot in good conscience give him high marks for practical skills when there has been so little time spent honing them.  To use an analogy, a top of the range fishing rod is of little use in a desert.

Suggested Actions:

I have identified a number of role models that I believe Matthew can learn from and would suggest that he studies their methods closely over the coming weeks and months.


Grinderman – No Pu$$y Blues


12 thoughts on “SATs Week – The Singles’ Assessment Test

    1. Haha, thanks Kath, pleased to hear it. It’s good that my abject failures at least have entertainment value 😄


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